Deployment Heartache
Wednesday, February 29, 2012 at 11:05AM This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9
I suppose, since it's really no secret at this point, that I can begin to discuss my feelings about *P's upcoming deployment. There are all sorts of reports regarding my hubby's brigade deploying as early as March and into April, though there have been no "official" orders. I kept holding out hope that perhaps he won't deploy afterall, but I am now exiting the denial phase and entering a whole new world of hurt.
So far, *P has received all of his necessary immunizations for going overseas, signed his Power of Attorney papers for me, and has packed a couple of bags to be shipped to "the Sandbox". Tonight, in fact, there is a pre-deployment briefing that I am to attend with my Soldier. This meeting should give me a little insight into what to expect and, hopefully, give us more details about what is about to go down.
I can't even believe this is really happening. Yes, you may say, "Well, this is what *P signed up for" and I get that. Deployments are a part of the job. Not that *P signed up to deploy...that's not right. He signed up to do a job for this country and hopefully make a difference. He did not sign up to leave his family or go into harm's way. That is just part of it that many soldiers hope won't happen to them, but it is always a risk. Even more so during wartimes, like we're in now. So, while we knew that this was a possibility, it doesn't make it any less difficult to face.
Under "normal" circumstances, I honestly don't think that I would be so emotional. But, the timing is just, well, awful for this first deployment. I am pregnant! My husband will miss much of my pregnancy. He will miss the birth of our 2nd (and last) child. He won't be here for some of the most special and sacred moments of a couple's lives! It is beginning to break my heart. It brings burning tears to my eyes just thinking about it - of course, even watching American Idol can bring tears to my eyes at this point. My hormones are nutso in this first trimester!
There are many options to consider in the next few weeks. Do I stay in Washington without my honey, and give birth here alone? Do I fly out to my folks' house when the baby is nearly due and give birth "back home" where my son was born, and come back to Washington when my hubby is about to return? Do we pack up the whole house and leave our belongings in storage for the whole deployment, and I stay at my folks' house for the whole 9 months? If so, do I drive there (oh my gosh, I can't bear the thought right now) or do we fly? If we fly, we'd have to fly back with a whole new person and all of his/her gear. Sounds like a lot of work - and stress! Decisions, decisions...
Something that keeps going through my head at this point - now that I am no longer in denial - is how crappy the timing of this all is, due to the pregnancy. You see, because of my horrible morning sickness and severe mood swings and a major hormonal imbalance, these past several weeks have been close to miserable for *P and me. I am not my happy-go-luvky self. Our relationship is not up to par, thanks to things I cannot control in this pregnancy. I have been on *P's case about EVERYthing, I feel like crap nearly 24/7, and I am just so dang OVER this pregnancy already. And now, after all these weeks of trying to tolerate each other, my husband will be leaving. I just wish that I had been better to him. I wish we had gotten along better. I wish I wasn't so moody, grumpy, and sick. I wish that I was sending him off with happy thoughts...but, honestly, the past several weeks have been anything BUT happy. Is this how he is going to remember me?
As you can imagine, I am having a difficult and very emotional time with this whole thing.
Had I known that - within 6 months of him finishing up his training and becoming a Biomedical Equipment Technician with the U.S. Army - *P would be heading to Afghanistan while anticipating the birth of our second child, I don't think I would have agreed to this. It's just surreal. I want to wake up from this awful dream.
Reader Comments (2)
Oh dear God. Please remove the info about your husband deploying from your blog. The only thing not mentioned is his specific unit and his exact date of departure. OPSEC my dear! OPSEC!
NOTE FROM ARMYWIFE:
It is not against OPSEC to discuss that my husband is deploying. This is information that the DOD has released to the world and is therefore public knowledge. It is the finer details that may not be disclosed for safety purposes, nor shall they be. Thank you for checking!
Hi there lady. I ran across your blog by accident when I was Googling military wife support pages.
First, congrats on the baby!!! I am sorry to hear that he will not be around for the birth or to be able to support you. I personally would be scared as hell being alone and pregnant. You do what you feel is right for you and the baby.
Next, my husband will be deploying later this year not to the same place as yours is in however and I have been told it will be longer than 6 months. This is killing me inside! I knew what I signed up for, as I was a medic in the Navy tied in with a Marine Corps unit in Iraq back in Desert Storm.
Your words explained exactly how I am feeling! " I just wish that I had been better to him. I wish we had gotten along better. I wish I wasn't so moody, grumpy, and sick." While he does not deploy for awhile yet, I have had so many times where I have been snapping at him, starting arguments and being irrational. I have R/A and it tends to cause me to flinch at some of his hugs or I am not able to perform wifely duties (if you get my point) , or other things that may slow me down or cause me to have to not do them when I/we planned. Quite honestly, he is having a hard time adjusting to me not being "on demand" so to speak.
Lately, he has been having issues with his right leg and he has failed his PT test due to not being able to do the run. He is worried he will be thrown out of the Army over this. So, in my best efforts, I got us memberships to our local YMCA. I whom have been a couch potato for more years than I care to recall (and weight shows it), have jumped fully into this, head first. I go 5 days a week. He had been dragging his heels about going. I finally had enough and told him to get off his butt and get started. I was not about to let him fail himself or give up his dream of becoming a warrant officer. Today, he learned that I was not going to let him quit because I look up to him, and admire him. He continues to walk/jog through the pain and keep going when I would normally give up. I told him that if he gives up, it will make me give up. It will show me that it is ok to quit when I am in pain. He hated that idea. He said he was just about to give up today because he hates having to start all over again at the beginning and he thinks I will reach my goal and he will not be able to. He let himself not work out all last fall, winter and until last month. Actually even longer due to him having nearly cut his finger off last summer. So he has no one to blame but himself. And I have really had it with his self-pity game he has been playing.
Now he has found out that there are guys who love to play handball down there. He was a guru at tennis and racquetball, and had never played handball. He felt inept to say the least when he started two weeks ago. That along with him not being able to run has really made him feel old and in too much pain. He has been progressing and started going 3x a week. He can feel progress on strengthening his legs, just no progress in how his leg is acting up. Nerve or tendon issue. I will know more tomorrow er later on this morning when we go to the doctor.
To top that off, the guys invited him to play cards with them on Friday night. He is elated to be accepted into a group like that. I personally love the idea of him having guys to hang with. He asked me if it was ok for him to play cards with them. I was touched he would take me into consideration. I try to spend as much time with him as I can and have been telling him this from the beginning of when we were together. You see we just got married in Jan. I also know that he needs time away from me too. I did this voluntarily. I could have said no. However, after all of the bickering I had been doing, I felt I owed this to him. I go to the gym with him at times, help him work on his legs on the treadmill, track and in the therapy pool. But he plays handball with them, works out on his own doing weights, etc.
Neither you nor I are Superwoman... But many times we are expected to be. While I do not have children, I do have another huge responsibility, my mother. She will be 90 this year. She has aches, ailments and mobility issues that cause her to be dependent on me. Add in us tearing apart our kitchen and bathroom, being newly married and still trying to get to know each other, his upcoming deployment and my R/A and his leg issues... Needless to say we stay stressed out!
This will be his first deployment having a significant other that he has to be responsible for (he has never been married before) and my first being married to someone who will deploy. I was not attached to anyone when I was deployed either. He has concerns about me cheating on him, worrying I will leave him because he is not going to be here and cannot be "there" for me when I need him in the capacity he has been in previous months. I have concerns on how I will manage missing my best friend, my biggest supporter and the love of my life. How will I get through daily routines we normally do together, without him? How will I deal with the house we own while he is gone? What happens if... More stress added in doing that what if game.
Each night I find myself crying, hoping and praying I can be a better person the next day. I can find some way to not be defensive and argumentative. Just like now, I can't sleep. He is laying right next to me, I can hear his breathing and I am miserable thinking about how a "discussion" went earlier today regarding my weight and the fact that I feel inferior from other women because I had let myself go when I was in an abusive marriage before that my husband had saved me from. (Another story for another time.)
That all being said, I stated realizing the last couple of days, that I have the time to change how "he is going to remember me." BECAUSE OF YOUR BLOG! You really opened my eyes and made me see what I have been doing to him. I cannot thank you enough for making me not only realize this but change what I can and try my best to be the best me I can be THAT DAY. The biggest what if I have now is what if I wake up tomorrow? How will I screw up that day? How will I break myself of this bickering and let go?
My suggestion and you can do with it as you wish... Send him emails telling him exactly what you wrote here. He will see the sincerity. Send him care packages you out did yourself on, videos of yourself and the little one, texts that you are thinking of him if you can, cards telling him the same thing. Make him remember why he fell in love with you. Stir up stories from your past. Explain that while you are pregnant and your hormones are going 1,000,000 mph that does not make it ok that you treated him the way you did. Apologize as sincerely as you can and tell him that while he is away, you will try your best to be the best person you can be that day. But each day can be a challenge. Make sure he knows that YOU know he is stressed out to the max. Be understanding when he does not tell you things and try not to jump him on the little things. Choose your battles sweetie.
I know you cannot undo the past, but you have the ability to change the future. Embrace that. Someone once told me, do not waste time with your loved ones, savor each moment and make sure they know you love them and support them.
Thank you so much for putting this blog up! Huge hugs to you and I will be following your posts. If you want to talk, by all means feel free. I will be glad to listen!
God speed to him. May he return safe and sound to your loving arms.